The One Thing I Wish I Knew Growing Up

How to talk to girls. Wait, I still don't.

My parents grew up among the masses in China during the Cultural Revolution. After Mao died in 1976, they were part of the first wave of high school students nationwide attempting to enter colleges and universities, which had just opened their doors again. At this time, getting into college was an extremely competitive task, and the vast majority of students ended up finding a job instead. My parents were fortunate and hard-working enough to excel in their studies, attend good schools, and launch their careers off the back of a solid education. My dad eventually found his way to the United States for graduate studies, for which I am particularly grateful because I probably would not have been born otherwise (due to China's one-child policy).

As a kid, I grew up in Georgia and often heard my mother recount stories of their previous lives in China. I knew they grew up under meager living conditions, I knew they studied hard, I knew they ventured to America with no money but high hopes that my brother and I would have better lives. Although this is not an atypical immigrant story, it strongly shaped my identity in my early years, particularly because I stood out from my friends. However, there is one thing my mother told me on numerous occasions that I wish she had not ... that I was smart.

I can rationalize why my mother told me this. She wanted me to do well in school. From her personal experience, education held the key to social mobility. Perhaps a part of her was proud as well. She gave up a comfortable life in China mostly for my sake. She had to start over in a completely foreign environment, but if I succeeded, then it might all be worth it.

Over time I began to believe that I was indeed a smart child. I generally did well in school, especially in math, and I began to subconsciously seek out ways to affirm my belief. This involved avoiding any thoughts that would challenge this notion. For example, when I did less than stellar on an assignment, I would try to sweep it under the rug, perhaps by hiding it from my parents and myself. Even as a child, any failure at school would cause increasing amounts of anxiety as a threat to my self-image. A bad grade meant that I wasn't good enough, both in my eyes and in my mother's eyes (or so I thought), and no child wants to deal with that.

In middle school I competed extensively in math competitions and achieved some success. This made me quite happy but also had the terrible effect of feeding my huge ego. Looking back, I was probably not very fun to be around. I can recall many instances in which I was a huge -------. Anyway, I was fortunate enough to take part in an excellent math program led by a phenomenal coach. Learning math and attending competitions was fun and easy because most of my friends did it.

High school was an entirely different story. Academic pursuits outside of school required self-motivation, and while I still attended various events, I never found nearly as much success as before. Was this because I lacked the tools or resources to succeed, or that I suddenly got dumber? In retrospect, I am pretty sure the answer lies in my mindset. Throughout my life, I avoided failure and thus never learned to persevere through adversity. When faced with more challenging academic pursuits, I simply avoided giving my all for fear of failure.

Now, many years later, I finally understand this phenomena. Research has shown that when kids are told they are good at something (static attribute), they try to confirm their beliefs and tend to get discouraged when they fail. On the other hand, when kids are complimented on their effort, they are much more eager to improve after a poor showing. The first twenty years of my life could be summed up neatly by this study.

The older I get, the more I believe in the power of a growth mindset. I believe that most people are capable of accomplishing most tasks, as long as they have the right mentality. A couple of months ago, I was talking to a student from China about the music we listen to. The conversation moved to Michael Jackson, and he expressed amazement over MJ's dancing ability with, "I could never do that!" Immediately, I realized this singular focus on talent and natural-born ability, not unlike my mom's emphasis on intelligence. Michael Jackson was no doubt a talented performer, but he also spent thousands of hours perfecting his dance moves. In fact, his dancing noticeably improved from his earliest performances to his later ones.

I try very hard now to embrace opportunities to learn new skills or tasks. I enjoy picking up new hobbies, such as cooking or writing, because I have no expectations to live in fear of. Everything awful I produce (which is a lot of stuff) is a learning opportunity for future improvement. Not only that, but the growth mindset can be applied to character-building as well. We all know how remarkably difficult it is to change our behavioral habits. But instead of dwelling on our shortcomings, we should adopt the mindset of a novice trying to learn something new for the first time. For example, I am shy and do not particularly excel at striking up conversation with strangers. I also know that interacting with others is an important skill for life. What does this mean for networking events? Go in with a positive attitude, expect to sound dumb here and there, learn something for next time, and don't worry about how others perceive me. Each event is a personal quest to get better.

It's not easy to change the views I've held for most of my life, and I do find myself reverting back to stubbornness and arrogance quite often. Sometimes I wish I had learned the importance of the growth mindset at a young age, but on the other hand, coming to this realization on my own makes it so much more poignant and powerful in shaping my identity. Along the way, I had the pleasure of listening to a particularly helpful graduation speech that I will now leave you with (skip to 6:25):

What Motivates Us?

Application of Intrinsic Motivation

Whether we realize it or not, our actions are often driven by underlying motivations. Sometimes we are very purposeful in our intent - for example, we might choose to stay late after work every day in hopes of getting a promotion. Other times, we are a lot less conscious of our motivations. Why do we get drunk at parties just to feel terrible the next day?

Understanding our personal motivation can provide a useful perspective to help us make decisions in life. Of course, for our day-to-day activities, consciously analyzing every decision may not be the best use of our time. But, I think that making an active effort to evaluate how we spend our time with regard to our motivations can bring insight into our own character and provide guidance that will allow us to live more meaningfully.

Psychologists generally divide motivation into two broad types - intrinsic and extrinsic. Extrinsic motivation constitutes any type of reward separate from the activity that motivates us to take a particular action. For example, we work hard to make money, or we study hard to earn good grades. Intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, refers to the intrinsic happiness we derive from a particular activity. For example, bookworms voraciously devour novels primarily because they enjoy reading, not so that they can impress their friends with how much they read, although that could be a secondary reason. The distinction between the two types of motivation can be a little fuzzy, and indeed, some experts even contend with the validity of the framework. For the purposes of this post, I will assume this framework to be approximately true.

So, what are the differences between the two types of motivation? Well, research has shown that extrinsic motivation can be a useful incentive for enabling efficient execution of routine or mechanical work but serves to hinder work that requires creativity or high-level thinking, whereas intrinsic motivation unlocks creativity and high-level thinking. Extrinsic motivation, when applied to an activity, will also lower latent intrinsic motivation over time. For example, suppose that you enjoy volunteering at homeless shelters on weekends because of your desire to help the poor. Well, if suddenly I introduce a monetary reward every time you go, over time your intrinsic motivation will begin to decline. Eventually you may frequent the homeless shelter less and less as your intrinsic motivation wanes. Furthermore, if the extrinsic motivation is then removed, you may lose all desire for the activity outright.

All findings seem to indicate that intrinsic motivation has a more powerful and permanent effect than does extrinsic motivation. But what does this tell us about how to live our lives? Should we try to maximize our time spent on intrinsically-motivated activities? How do we reconcile earning a decent wage with doing what we love? Indeed, this has been the classic artist dilemma since the beginning of time. Pragmatism and passion don't often intertwine.

I would be lying if I pretended to have any of the answers. For now, I will focus on an application of motivation theory that I personally find useful: how do we deal with what others think of us? People display a wide range of behaviors regarding this issue. Some live to please others, whereas others completely disregard how they are perceived. I'm here to offer a different point of view. Instead of worrying about whether we're liked, let's take a step back and ask ourselves why. What is our motivation for trying to make a good impression? Is it to fit in, to be well-liked, or perhaps to appear better than we actually are? More importantly, why do we want others to think highly of us? Will that make us happier in the long run than if we live for another purpose?

I contend that when we predominantly focus on how others perceive us, we are being driven by extrinsic motivation. This in itself is not necessarily a condemnable stance, but it begs the question of whether we are living in accordance with our true selves. By seeking to impress others, we may inadvertently compromise our identity, beliefs, or core values. And the long-term result of such compromise, as suggested by motivation research, is an underlying shift in our internal compass, or intrinsic motivation. The values we hold most dear change over time if we constantly succumb to a hostile environment.

What is the opposite side of the coin? Focus our decisions on how they line up with our core values. What character traits do we most want to exemplify? What are our goals in life, both in the context of the immediate task and in terms of what type of person we would like to be? Most of us have heard of the classic advice to treat others as we would like to be treated. Although this may suggest some notion of reciprocity, thinking in such terms can lead to a critical lapse in understanding. What this is really saying  is that we should treat others in the way we believe to be most consistent with our personal values, since that is how we would most want to be treated. It does NOT mean that we should treat others expecting the same in return, although that could very well be a consequence. Actions for the sake of reciprocity by definition represent extrinsic motivation that will not provide us with the deeper-level fulfillment we get from intrinsically-motivated actions.

This is not to say that fulfilling our core values cannot align with trying to please others. Every situation is different, and we should always use our judgment when appropriate. I merely emphasize a shift in approach. Rather than just focusing on how much we're liked and how our actions might affect others, we should start by examining how our actions affect ourselves. Are they consistent with our core values and beliefs, or do they create a chasm in our identity? Once we mull this over, we then evaluate how a decision might affect others. In particular, is there a significant disconnect between fulfilling our own values and pleasing others? If so, is this because we have character flaws we need to work on? Or is it time to relocate to a new environment and find new friends?