Our Inner Demons

A framework to address turmoil

As I’ve dealt with inner turmoil, I’ve poured through many articles and stories of how others approach their struggles. This post is largely shaped by the opinions I have gathered, and I apologize that I will not be citing where I first discovered many of the ensuing ideas.

What causes the most discord in my life? Why do I sometimes lack motivation, hope or joy? Recently I realized that instead of just pinpointing what my struggles are, I need to understand how they take effect and operate. In essence, our innermost demons work through a discrepancy between our reality and expectations.

Expectations are formed through years of experiences and exposure to stimuli. Influences from family and friends, messages from the media, and self-developed ambitions all help shape what we expect from life. For example, growing up we often hear about the glory of the American Dream (apparently, this is also the Chinese Dream because my parents told me the same thing). Over time, we may come to expect to live in a cozy two-story house with a loving family and a stable job. After continued exposure, this idea becomes an expectation and subconsciously, even a desire. The more it gets reinforced, the stronger the expectation becomes and the more difficult it is to challenge.

Unfortunately, life does not always follow our expectations, and sometimes not due to a fault of our own. If we suddenly find ourselves unable to live the American Dream for some reason, and not just at this moment but indefinitely, then our entire identity gets challenged. We are sad in the present because life is not what we want it to be. Moreover, we feel pessimistic about the future because life may never be what we want it to be. Travelling down this train of thought can lead to feelings of despair and hopelessness, depending on how important the expectation is.

How do we to mend this wound in our identity? Besides denial, we might simply choose to ignore the issue completely and focus on other, more merry aspects of life. Again, depending on how dear the issue is to us, this tactic may not work very well. Imagine working your whole life towards a goal, perhaps as an aspiring athlete or artist. In an accident you suffer an injury that effectively ends your career. How do you reconcile this new condition preventing you from fulfilling your lifelong dream? Can you simply ignore the fact that everything you worked for has come to an end?

We all have to deal with unfulfillable expectations at some point in our lives. I think one way to handle a crushed dream is to simply let it go, but this is a lot easier said than done. When an idea becomes ingrained in our minds, not only do we have to undo years of habitual thinking, but we also have to fend off the external pressures that continue to fuel the idea. How difficult must it be to come to terms with not being able to see again, or not being able to have kids, or only having a few months left to live? Especially when all around we see others live the type of life we want, or others continue to demand from us the one thing we can no longer achieve.

Shedding our old expectations in order to form new ones can be among our most difficult yet transformative experiences. So how do we let go? First, accept what we cannot change and do not allow ourselves to ruminate on the past. Second, imagine a joyous and fulfilling life with the new expectations. Eventually they’ll come to form our new sense of identity, one that matches our reality. 

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Expectations matter a lot because they help shape our outlook on life and thus our happiness. Failure to meet high expectations can lead to disappointment and fulfillment of modest but genuine expectations can bring joy. However, a warning should be made against artificially setting a low bar. Studies show that optimism in general brings many benefits whereas constant negativity or self-deprecation has many drawbacks. I won’t go into details here, but generally optimism is correlated with higher levels of resiliency and happiness.

So how do we separate the good optimistic expectations from the unfulfillable life-draining ones? At times it’s obvious, but sometimes the line is not clear-cut. Studies show that most people tend to overestimate their own situation, and thus most expectations are based as much on imagination as reality. Furthermore, we see examples of visionaries refuse to waiver from their goal to eventually accomplish the seemingly impossible. But, for each success there are many more who fall short.

Perhaps one useful metric to examine is how our expectations affect us. Do they motivate, inspire, and energize us to face our challenges? Do they provide a sense of purpose and pride with each new achievement? Or do they sap our energy, cause us to regret our past, dread our future, or even hate ourselves? At that point it may be time to let go.

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This is a great talk on how happiness can emerge through uncontrollable circumstances: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q1dgn_C0AU